House Rules...
1. Dogs are never permitted in the house. The dog
stays outside in a specially built wooden compartment
named, for very good reason, the dog house.
2. Okay, the dog can enter the house, but only for
short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
short visits or if his own house is under renovation.
3. Okay, the dog can stay in the house on a permanent
basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard
sale to a rookie dog owner.
basis, provided his dog house can be sold in a yard
sale to a rookie dog owner.
4. Inside the house, the dog is not allowed to run
free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal
cage.
free and is confined to a comfortable but secure metal
cage.
5. Okay, the cage becomes part of a two-for-one deal
along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog
can go wherever the hell he pleases.
along with the dog house in the yard sale, and the dog
can go wherever the hell he pleases.
6. The dog is never allowed on the furniture.
7. Okay, the dog can get on the old furniture but
not the new furniture.
not the new furniture.
8. Okay, the dog can get up on the new furniture until
it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell
the whole damn works and buy new furniture...upon
which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
it looks like the old furniture and then we'll sell
the whole damn works and buy new furniture...upon
which the dog will most definitely not be allowed.
9. The dog never sleeps on the bed. Period.
10. Okay, the dog can sleep at the foot of the bed.
11. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you, but he's
not allowed under the covers.
not allowed under the covers.
12. Okay, the dog can sleep under the covers but not
with his head on the pillow.
with his head on the pillow.
13. Okay, the dog can sleep alongside you under the
covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores
he's got to leave the room.
covers with his head on the pillow, but if he snores
he's got to leave the room.
14. Okay, the dog can sleep and snore and have
nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep
on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping.
That's just not fair.
nightmares in bed, but he's not to come in and sleep
on the couch in the TV room, where I'm now sleeping.
That's just not fair.
15. The dog never gets listed on the census
questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's
true
questionnaire as "primary resident," even if it's
true
THINGS I MUST REMEMBER AS A DOG
(in order to keep my present living arrangements)
(in order to keep my present living arrangements)
1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
3. I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.
4. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.
5. I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.
6. I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. I will not throw up in the car.
8. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc. just because I like the way they smell.
9. I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.
10. I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.
11. The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
12. I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.
13. I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.
14. When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.
15. We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.
16. I will not steal my mom's thong underwear and dance all over the backyard with them.
17. The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are mom & dad's laps.
18. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
19. I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.
20. I will not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
21. I will not eat mint flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage; I do not want a string hanging out of my butt.
22. I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath.
23. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
24. I will not hump on any person's leg just because I thought they needed a good hump.
25. I will not fart in my owners' faces while sleeping on the pillow next to their head.
26. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt across the carpet.
27. The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, it doesn't mean it is cleaner.
28. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when company is over.
29. I will remember that suddenly turning around and smelling my butt can quickly clear a room.